5678
|
Wednesday, April 27 Utopia was done away with. The Charmed ones discovered a huge glitch in the whole process of 'Utopia' - the Avatars played God and decided who lived, or who died. Those who caused conflicts were promptly removed from the face of the earth, and everyone was programmed not to feel the loss of a loved one. Is that a good thing? Being so numb ... after all, it is just the absence of heartache and pain, the memories still linger. Doesn't sound that bad. There is always a catch, and something good never lasts. Utopia lasted for ONE episode, *scoffs*. Something progresses really well and it feels too good to be true, and that is precisely when my guard gets up because it simply CAN'T be that perfect. And most of the time, I am right. I can't wait for 1 more week, I'll be declared 3.5mths of freedom. Hurry hurry ... "But I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart, I'm fighting back emotions I've never fought before ... " -->Trademark - I'm Not Supposed To Love You Anymore<--
|
Sunday, April 24 The previous episode of Charmed Season 7, showed the sisters giving the Avatars the go-ahead to change the world, achieving Utopia - something beyond good and evil. Everyone was put to sleep for 10mins, and during that time, history and the past were rewritten, to accomodate the new world. Everyone was so happy, courteous and all things good when they woke up. How far-fetched that is, what happened to the 'balance' of life, good vs. evil, without evil in the world, wouldn't the balance be tipped? However, watching that episode, somehow made me almost wish it was happening for real. I've been thinking of it since Tues when it was screened. It'll be really good if all us were happy no matter what shit we face, no matter what happens, looking on the bright side of life. Then I could also still be happy if I fare badly for my finals. If only things were ... if only. "Don't let go, cos it's just a step from heaven, and the strength of love is on our side ... " -->Eternal - Just A Step From Heaven<--
|
Tuesday, April 19 I am sad. And the times when I was sad, I used to be able to delve into my books, used to be able to lose myself in them, study frantically, abandon any sadness-inducing thoughts. Why can't I accomplish that anymore? Depressed. The motif continuously and mercilessly hounds me. There is no point hankering for what will not be yours. Yes, people tend to be stubborn ... egotistical ... proud ... whatever, but it does not suffice for me anymore. I've been living in a dream; a dream of false hopes and of unrealistic delusions. Depressive realism - how depressed people judge more accurately the realism of things compared to people with a positive outlook to life. Anguish, dismay, despondency, dejection, despair. Smile. I need to do something about it. Happy. I need to get out. Laugh. Hang out with my friends. Rejoice. Meet new people. Blithe. Or could someone provide me with the much needed panacea? "I don't know where or when but we'll pass this way again. In another life, in another place, I'd have held you close ... " -->Ning Baizura - In Another Life<--
|
Monday, April 18 Dear God, grant me the determination and capacity to study for my exams, and to be able to withhold the information till crunch-time for regurtitation purposes, in Jesus' precious name, amen. "You know you've heard it all before, so I don't say it anymore. I just stand by and let you fight your secret war." -->Concrete Blonde - Joey<--
|
Thursday, April 14 So a new look, finally. Thanks to Xinyu and Vinn for their help, else this would not be running so prettily now, ha! :) It was a hectic day. Woke up early, tried to finish revising for my 50% midterm for Health Psychology - mission unachieved. Went to school to take the dreaded test of Nair's. Rushed home, got ready to give tuition. Rushed to Sports Hall, to have myself play 2hrs straight of strenuous badminton with 3 guy friends of mine. *Moans and groans about her breaking body* Emmanuel and I were talking about knee injuries, told me abt his removal of his mediscus; his friend who tore all her ligaments in a ski accident and could not play professional tennis anymore; telling me to be very careful of my very own injuries. That was when I felt the fear, for the first time. The fear that I will really hurt my knees, and I will not be able to engage in my sports ever again. This fear was also precipitated by the fact that after overworking my body the past week or so, with runs, skipping, weights and what-have-yous, I am experiencing a whole new pain in my left knee. I've never felt this pain before, it's so sharp, especially when I push off against my left leg. The pain shoots down to midway of my shin and also shoots up to my mid-thigh. Reminds me of my physiotherapy sessions I used to have to endure. The pain of the massage etc etc ... How could I have been disciplined enough for at least 2 years, having physiotherapy at least 4 times a week, and doing home physio exercises every day. Even if I had managed to do so, Dr. Ben Tan said that there will only be a 'slight' shift of my knee-caps back into place. I guess that statement didn't offer me enough incentive and motivation. Now look where I've landed, pai-ka me. I wonder if my so-called 'addiction' to exercise now, is a consequence of sitting at the sides for 4yrs during PE in Primary School. Bloody asthma, I tell you. Still bugs me ... occasionally. I lost that 4yrs of physical activity and now I'm making up for it! Possible theory. Anyways, back to Nair. I really really hope I don't get her for any of my Psych modules next semester. Having her teach me 2 modules in 2 sems is bad enough. She dislikes me. And let me tell you guys - the feeling is mutual. It all started with her module last semester, Personality and Individual Differences. Tis a long story, but I can share the conclusions many of my friends and I have arrived at. She is petty, biased and most importantly, anal-retentive. Argh! I am so worried I'll end up taking one of her modules unknowingly again next sem. Help. Any existing guillotines out there for rent??? "I am beyond your peripheral vision, so you might want to turn your head. Cos someday you're gonna get hungry, and eat most of the words you just said." -->Ani Difranco - 32 Flavors<--
|
Tuesday, April 12 What is with the baring of hearts and wearing of emotions on our sleeves online? A good friend of mine was absolutely astounded at the fact that I own an online journal, she thinks it to be very unlike me and rather immature, hmmm! Why do we succumb to this fad of blogs and what-nots? Do I really want my friends, strangers, and even people I don't want to be reading, read this blog of mine? Perhaps it's plain laziness. Friend A: Hey how've you been? Me: Read my blog. Friend B: Hey, read your blog. Are you okay? Me: Yep, nothing, whatever happened I wrote there. Is that it? How I don't wanna relate the happenings in my life over and over again, I blog it down and ask my friends to read it. How sincere is that. But I also thank those friends, who never fail to express their concern over my intermittent depressed posts, very much appreciated :) So is that why I blog more when I'm upset, cos I want sympathy? Yikes, that thought appalls me. I doubt the possibility of me being a sucker for sympathy. I very much have enough sympathy for myself, ha. Another aspect of laziness. I type much much faster than I write, maybe that's why I'd rather pen my thoughts online than on paper. However, if that's the way, my blog should be a private, not public one. Why is it so public then? Because I'm selfless, I wanna SHARE my life with you guys out there, so someone can go around snooping and knowing stuff about my life that I don't want to tell you, and you can appear like you're pitifully spying on me, for all I care. You know who you are, and I don't wanna mention names. Sometimes, my memory fails me. So this little space I have on blogspot.com serves to jolt my memory as and when needed. I reckon I'm an Internet addict - that's why I have an online journal. -->Bonnie Rait - Can't Make You Love Me<--
|
Tuesday, April 5 How can one will oneself not to be hurt. How possible is it to numb oneself to emotional pain. When is the limit reached? Can I push myself that far, what will happen when I can't take it no more. Do my walls come tumbling down? Questions questions questions ... An endless quest, for unavailable answers. So many more things the chugging gears of my mind want to ask, which most probably will be answered with "I dunno-s". Karma. What goes around comes around. How I had treated other people, the confusion and the emotional hurt are all coming back at me, biting right at my tail now. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so shy and scared when it came to matters of the heart. I so very much want to set my mouth agape and just yak and yak on and on about what I feel and want, but no ... the pipe is choked with so much rubbish. I feel like I have a huge furball in my throat. I hate crying. Especially when your eyes are already natural slits. You look awful. I want to climb out of limbo. I have weak arms that cannot hold my heavy self for a long time, can't be hanging on as long as I want to. I'm fat. I want something good out of this. I want some TLC. I want the mental capacity and concentration to mug for my exams. All the want-s in my world. All the disappointments that accompany them. Please get rid of the languor creeping within me, replace it with something joyful and cloy my senses. I know this post has been very disjointed. Ah well, incoherence prevails once more. -->Sheryl - Who Knows<--
|
Saturday, April 2 I have never been this sleep-deprived before. And the rain clouds are passing over, dark ... gloomy ... cooling ... I very much just wanna plop back into bed! But damn this 20% Social Psych presentation. Dang damn darn! It is the 2nd of April, and my finals commence in a mere period of 24 days. I am seriously fretting. I don't really have an idea as to what's going on with at least 3 out of my 5 modules. These bloody webcast lecture-d modules ... EVIL, I say! I have tonnes of readings to complete, and the fact that I have not even ripped the plastic off my Management & Organisation textbook scares me. All the effort and hard work I put in last semester to pull up my bottom-plunging CAP will be thrown down the drain. So much to do so little time. If only I had 30 hrs a day, the extra 6 hrs would definitely be of a huge embrace. I keep thinking of Brisbane, and the bonds I have established during my 1-week stay there. The quality of company honestly plays a huge role; I doubt strongly that I would have been able to have that much fun with a lost wallet, and 4 days of Aussie public holiday if I were with different company. I miss Lana and her friends she introduced me to ... excellent company, all of them. It's quite intriguing how a mere 7 days can change things so much, but I wonder how long the effects are gonna stay till. Everytime my Aunt from Toronto comes over to stay with us, we all get so sad when she has to leave, thinking we'll miss them a lot, but that only lasts for a day, and we revert to our normal lives. The same thing happens when my friends leave to study abroad, we'll be really upset and all, thinking at THAT point in time, how much we'll miss one another. Indeed, I still miss all of them, but it was not as bad as I thought to be. Adaptation. A harsh and hated thing, but of utmost necessity. Out of sight out of mind? Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Or forgetful. As much as I don't want things to change ... something's telling me, somehow it will. -->Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye & Shaggy<-- |