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Wednesday, May 28 My friends have been kind and caring. They ask after me, and quite a few of them have even taken the time to come and visit me at home. Thanks so much, all of you. But right now, I just feel like crawling into a hole, curl myself up and sleep the days away.
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Thursday, May 22 Oh. My. God. It's only been 2.5 weeks, and I've made the worst discovery, after what I found out about my ankle that is. My left leg, especially my left calf, is so much bigger than my right now! *Screams* Horror of all horrors. Shit!
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Tuesday, May 20 I didn't think I was so unfit. I finally stepped out of the house yesterday (excluding the hospital visit) for the first time in 2 weeks plus. Headed to Tampines Mall with Lana to meet her mom for lunch. Gosh! It was tiring. I was sweating like a pig, in the air-conditioned Mall. I haven't had to walk on crutches for that much before. And the crowd! The crowd of rude and inconsiderate Singaporeans, nothing out of the ordinary I say. So they see this "paika" walking in this direction, and they still have to walk so near me, or walk directly in my direction. They looked almost as if they were going to kick my crutches out from my arms. Another lady actually banged into me. My my ... I had to give way to THEM instead. I didn't wanna risk being spread-eagled on the floor of a Mall, Tampines Mall or not. Rude pigs. And then I woke up this morning really sleepy about 9plus. There was fogging going on downstairs and I wanted to shut my windows. However, in my sleepy state, I tried to get out of bed standing up on both legs! Bloody painful. I yelped and fell back on my bed. Urgh. So I tried using my crutches, and my lower palsm of my hands hurt like mad! From all the pushing off on them yesterday walking through the crowd. Yeah, that's my conclusion now. I'm unfit. -->Madonna - Miles Away<--
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Monday, May 19 Another 5hrs of badminton and tennis last night went by in a flash. Yay again. Thomas Cup final and the Masters Series Hamburg final. I'm so happy Nadal won Federer, after an astonishing comeback from 5-2 down in the first set to seal the set with a 5-7 win. Though Federer won the 2nd set, I knew Nadal would prevail, even through his injury. And Nadal indeed triumphed! Watching badminton again made me sad. I don't know when and if I can play badminton with that kind of footwork again. Yeah, so people tell me, next time don't run so much in the court ... But if that's the case, what's the point of even playing? If I can't even play badminton, Muay Thai is an even further concept to realise. I keep playing back that shot in my head. Wishing I could rewind to that moment, and this time I would not jump to the right to get that baseline shuttle. But what can one do now, right?
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Sunday, May 18 My Saturday night passed in a blink of an eye. I was glued to the sofa from 7pm-10pm watching the Uber Cup Final, then I went up to my mom's room and watched Nadal win Djokovic! I can't believe it's past 12am already. Yay. Well, since I can't play, I'll watch. Right? That's what I told Za last night too. The sweet girl came after work at 11.30pm and we yakked and yakked till it was 4am. After exchanges of us yawning, suddenly there was silence, for she put her head down on my bed, and I put my head back in my chair and I guess both of us kinda dozed off. I had a fun Friday night at home. What a pleasant surprise. -->Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way<--
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Friday, May 16 So the past 2 days, I've been getting this headache all day, coupled with nausea. I try to go to sleep at nights and I have even more trouble than usual, because of this headache and nausea. I even wake up with them! I thought I'd be able to sleep them off. What is wrong?! I think I just have nothing to do. Too much computer and TV and lying around. Either that, or the unsteadiness from moving around in crutches, thus the nausea. Haha. Oh well, only speculations. Yesterday was my long awaited appointment with the sports clinic at CGH. My doc is my Dad's cousin, small world eh. And then I had my first physio session, and it becomes an even smaller world, my physiotherapist was my old neighbour! Anyway, here's what I've learnt about my right ankle. I tore all 3 ligaments, and suffered bone impact on the inner part of the ankle too. The doc also told me 2 scary things. 1) I've been trying to walk the past 2 days, putting weight on my foot and all, BUT he said that since my ligaments are torn, there's nothing holding the 2 bones together, and if I put weight on my foot the bones will shift apart. If that happens, I would need to undergo surgery to put a screw in my leg holding those 2 bones together. Imagine my horror! 2) My inner ankle was bruised so bad, and hurts so much because of bone impact. When I fell, the 2 bones banged against each other and are 'injured', if the pain still persists in 3 months, that means I chipped or fractured the joints there and need a surgery to remove the bone fragments. Well, hearing all that from the doc, the physiotherapist didn't bother mincing her words too. She just gave it to me as it is. Pressing and examining my ankle (that really hurt!), she just let out this loud "pffff" and said "yours is bad". *Sulks* If I want to go back to badminton, I can do it in 3 months, IF I work hard enough during physio. Then I'd have to tape my ankle, and then wear an ankle guard. I'm thinking, since I have to tape my ankle from now on, I might as well go back to taping my knees too. But this nagging feeling tells me I won't be able to play badminton or Muay Thai for at least 6 months. :( OH. There's this talus & tibia check, for the ankle to see if the talus moves away from the tibia, and if it does that means the ligaments are torn. The doc did that for my left (the foot which I thought was fine) and he went "Woah. This is also gone". So I have a torn ligament in my foot which I totally depend on now. Arghhhh! I'd never thought a sprain could get this bad ...
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It feels so strange, to actually be posting entries on such a regular basis. I guess I'm really that bored, huh? :) Somehow, this week passed by quicker than the last. I think there were a few factors that made it so. I started off my week with The Bearmeister paying me a visit in his gorgeous new black Susie. Yes, that's Barry's name for his Impreza, haha. And I received my first ever "Care Package"! Apparently, he was under instructions to get those things (Lele, he still got less points than you ha), and when he came with 4 gigantic bags from NTUC, I was hoping he didn't get me unhealthy snacks! He was really nice and he got for me - 4 different flavours of Campbells (yummy!), Oreo's, Famous Amos cookies, orange juice, low fat milk, low fat yoghurt, 6 mini boxes of different cereals, grapes & kiwi for the bowels, and my favourite of the lot ... Nutella! So I've been eating a bit of different things from my Care Package since Monday, I wonder how long it'll last. Anyhow, Lele and Ems came over this evening as well, and they surprised me with an extra thing ... Lana came too! Lana's been really encouraging and patient with me, she also comes at least once a week. Oh what would I do without her but die of boredom?! I had fun today with my girls, they're always a joy to be around and to talk to. Laughter all around. We had nice homecooked dinner and mom tah pau-ed some sweet & sour fish & sambal kangkong, tau pok & tau kwa too; then we chilled out in my room, played an MCF game, talked, joked ... nice. Wonder when I can do that with them beyond the walls of my home. Sigh. Last week, my best friends from secondary school came over as well and we major caught up. They've been texting me to ask how I am and all that, which really touches my heart. Thanks Sam, thanks Yan Ling. :) Time to hit the sack. That's my life now. The bed, my chair, the sofa, the dining table. *Groans* -->Tori Amos - Beauty Of Speed<--
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Monday, May 12 Mothers' Day was an opportunity for my extended family on my maternal side to gather once more. I haven't seen all of us together since the passing of my Mama. So what better opportunity to cater yummy high tea and have a get-together? I was ready to fork out my share of the high tea (a treat to our Moms), but little did I know my parents were paying for it. The also saw a good opportunity yesterday and made it a Mothers' Day cum 25th Wedding Anniversary gathering! Smart of them, ha. Hmmm ... the chocolate eclairs, I think I must have had 8 of them! Got to see my darling nieces after so long, and they're cute as ever! It was so heartwarming to see their look of genuine concern on their young faces, eyebrows burrowed over their huge innocent eyes upon seeing me on crutches. And I got some tender 'sayang-ing' from them. I guess I needed some activity around in the house after a week of confinement. But time still crawled slowly for me. Dad opened a bottle of ice wine and another bottle of dessert wine, tried to drink a glass, but gave up after I started feeling a bit high. Couldn't risk being unsteady one-legged! I can't wait for Thursday when I finally get to see a sports doctor at Changi General, however I'm also fearful of the prognosis. I am very willing to lay off badminton, Muay Thai and running for a while if I don't have to undergo surgery. *fingers crossed* I don't want to have to go for surgery. I can't imagine how much longer that will render me unable to do my sports. Rehab will be a very long process. Sigh. -->Whitney Houston - How Will I Know<--
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Saturday, May 10 I won tickets to Gwen Stefani last year from some Singtel/Nokia draw. Who knew? I'd never won lucky draw in my life! So I took my sister to the concert, under my mom's orders - I entered the draw with HER ticket. I remember feeling so sick and nauseous that day I almost didn't wanna go, but a good thing I did. It was my second time seeing Gwen Stefani perform and she's just as gorgeous as last when I saw her live. It was a Double Bill concert featuring No Doubt and The Cranberries (faints!). I loved every minute of the Sweet Escape concert, and the part that blew me away was when she did my favourite "The Real Thing" with her bassist Gail Ann Dorsey (she used to perform with David Bowie) singing a verse too. I was blown away by Gail's voice, it gave me goosebumps and it was amazing. Sometimes I still watch youtube videos of that performance. I wish I had a voice like that. I love this song. I've seen your face a thousand times Have all your stories memorized I've kissed your lips a million ways But I still love to have you around I've held you too many times to count I think I know you inside out And we're together most days But I still love to have you around And you're the one I want and it's not just a phase And you're the one I trust, our love is the real thing Don't go away My love (my love) I want you to stay In my life Don't go away My lover (my love) I'm happiest when we spend time You're a salty water, ocean wave You knock me down, you kiss my face I know the storms will always come But I still love to have you around And heavens knows what will come next So emotional, you're so complex A rollercoaster, built to crash But I still love to have you around You're the one I want and it's not just a phase and you're the one I trust, our love is the real thing Don't go away My love (my love) I want you to stay In my life Don't go away My lover (my love) I'm happiest when we spend time (it's only you and I) It's you there when I close my eyes And you in the morning I never thought you'd still be mine Or I'd really need to have you around Don't go away My love (my love) I want you to stay In my life Don't go away My lover (my love) I need you, you're my love supply Don't go away My love (you're my love supply) I want you to stay In my life (every day, every night) Don't go away My lover (you're my love supply) I need you, you're my love supply
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It was all there is to it, how blind sighted I was. Even the times where I'm as innocent as a lil cherubim, I can never emerge victorious. The results repeat themselves. The lonesome, pitiful creature wailing and begging for mercy. Ah, the woes of not being able to express oneself eloquently. Ideas get misconstrued and frustration hits a skyhigh. I've never felt so misunderstood in such a long time. Oh what I'd give to be able to go out for a drive, sit somewhere quiet and just let it all out, instead of having to control the torrents in my room. Funny how I had to turn to a good friend half the world away, and as always, she offered me encouragement and support. But that moment of positivity dissipated as slowly as it came, like a 2-tonne weight sinking lower and lower to the bottom of the sea. I seem to have lost myself. I'm begging for things, when it wasn't even my wrongdoing in the first place. I don't know how, but the tables always turn around against me. I have no idea how it's done. So that's when the grovelling and the begging start. Why is it hard to see I need just a teeny bit more than before? My circumstances now are not what they used to be. The woes of longing and pining ... Why can't we do things out of our own initiative and not be told to? It starts even as young students, our parents have to nag at us to do our homework, or to study. Innately, we should be aware what different roles entail being a student, a mother, a nurse, a girlfriend, a friend etc. I don't like being told what to do, that's for sure. Besides, I don't like telling people what to do either. All in all, the one thing that stands in the way of most good things waiting to happen is, our own big fat sillyass prides. <--Adele - Melt My Heart To Stone<-- |