Friday, September 30 *Warning* Many thoughts bustling around in my little brain, so I s'ppose this post will be very much disjointed. I reckon I'm the one person who lacks the most motivation with regards to academia. Nobody I know, and I mean NO ONE within my circle of friends comes close to being that nonchalant about school like me. I can be seen as the epitome of a slacker, it's true. It's a wonder, no, it's a miracle how I managed to pull through the major exams in my life. And now, down to my final year in varsity, I am still the same old me. A leopard doesn't change its spots, does it? Why do I lack the much needed motivation? For the O'levels - I just wanted to get into a JC; for the A'levels - I just wanted to get into NUS; and now - I just want to graduate. Maybe the motivation to be so unmotivated is too intense to be overcome at all. You know how we take to heart what the ones whom we love dearly say about/to us? How those things uttered by the ones so dear to us mean so much, especially negative things? I want to undo that. I don't want to let all that affect me, but it is seemingly impossible. Thinking about those words and phrases lashed out at me even in times of anger (everyone knows people say the stupidest things when they're furious), creates an onset of melancholia. And if it goes deeper than that, it morphs into a sweeping wave of slight depression. These attacks at my individual anatomy should not even be give two hoots about. But why do they affect me so? Because what is thought of you by people you love and care about matter tremendously. I just wish it worked the same way with positive feedback. Bizarre how I (or maybe, you too) shrug away the nice things mentioned, but hang on so tightly to the bad things. Totally focusing on the wrong end of the spectrum. We should not allow ourselves to be victims to what other people think or say of us. And I will strive to live by that. I like this transition of now knowing what to filter in and out, somehow makes me feel much happier and more in control. I said in my last post that I have lost myself, and now it's a bid to find myself again. "I am ready to be healed. I am willing to forgive. All is well." That is what's written on one side of a motivational card I drew from a Tarot Card reading in Brisbane. I think that's very possible, for me to be healed and to forgive. That's the way I am, a very forgiving person. In whichever way I've been hurt, I'm looking forward to the day when I'll be okay once more. Oh forgiveness will come as well, surely, but to forget is another. Everyone always say to "forgive and forget", I think that's virtually improbable. The workings of the memory is such, you can't forget things merely like that, well ... Unless you're really good at repressing bad memories. I have not forgotten the wrongdoings some have done upon me, but I sure as hell have forgiven these people. But hey, please don't take this as a passport to unleash more wrongdoings on me ya? There are 3 major loves in my life - Books, music and sports. They whisper to me that they've been neglected ... I hope to indulge myself in them once again. And it's bloody accurate saying that "All good things come to an end". Feel sad, yeah, but for a while ... Mope for that little while then snap out of it. At least there are good memories that won't fail to bring warm, fuzzy feelings to your inner being. Enough of rambling for tonight. "Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and I think of you, Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new. Flashbacks, warm nights, almost left behind, Suitcase of memories, time after Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead. You're calling to me, I can't hear what you said Then you say go slow, I fall behind. The second hand unwinds If you're lost you can look and you will find me, Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting, Time after time If you're lost you can look and you will find me, Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting Time after time After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey, Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm okay. Secrets stolen from deep inside, The drum beats out of time ... " -->Eva Cassidy - Time After Time (acoustic)<--
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Sunday, September 11 It is as though I am in constant pain. Pain in the broadest sense, pain in all senses in fact, and all aspects. Wherever I turn away from grief, I find grief staring right back at me all over again. A mockery, that's what it is. A helpless being like me, simply has no idea what to do to free herself from the clutches of pain. A friend said that I seem to be in a 'perpetual wreck'. Damn right you are. Life's not a bed of roses, hell yeah. It seems more like a bed of thorns. Everyone knows that things will change, so we should be prepared for things to change for the worse and/or anticipate things to become better. After all, what's so down has no other direction to go but up, and vice versa. I hope the bed of thorns change soon. The body is but a tangible breakable thing, it can only take that much. Beyond that threshold for bruises, it's done. The heart (not the organ itself), on the other hand, is an intangible entity. Oh but how breakable it can be. Bruised and battered, it cannot endure the intense, searing pain. The realisation that all was for naught. I wish the tranquility and serenity I felt on Saturday night lasted. The semi-high state after consumption of alcohol, the soothing waves washing over shore, the sparkling stars that seem to tell me everything's gonna be alright, lying on the soft sand without a care in the world ... A pity it lasted for a very brief moment. A great pity. Oh how much I'd give to be the old me. To be the not nice person, to be the fiesty me again. To be the strong me. Funny how we think we know someone, because we've been friends for years, and because we've been close friends even and then sometimes we find out things about them that are so unlike what we were predisposed to. Are you not taken aback? When you see such an ugly side of somebody close to you, somebody you love? I'm sure my good friends feel appalled when they see the ugly side of me. I'm sorry if I scared you earlier tonight, Lay. I guess you realised I'm not as strong as you all thought I was. The duality of human nature is a delicate balance that is consistently teetering over a precarious edge. As a Libran, I sure hope I maintain that inner balance well enough. Life is full of treacherous winding turns. At a glance, all its sweetness inadvertently lifts you up, but if you peruse life deeper, the hideous manifestations of all things bad poke at your inner core. Ah, the wretched things that happen. Disappointment all around. Agony and anguish extinguish all zest. Oh, and before I forget ... I bring new meaning to the word 'careless'. I lose things, and I have lost myself. Friends we've been for so long Now true colors are showing Makes me wanna cry oh yes it does Cuz I had to say goodbye By now I should know That in time things would change So it shouldn't be so bad So why do I feel so sad How can I adjust To the way that things are going It's killing me slowly Oh I just want it to be how it used to be Cuz I wish that I could stay But in time things must change So it shouldn't be so bad So why do I feel so sad You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realize Your actions speak much louder than words So tell me why oh By now I should know that That in time things would change So it shouldn't be it shouldn't be so bad So why do I feel so sad By now I should know That in time things must change So it shouldn't be so bad So why do I feel so sad By now by now I should know That in time things must grow And I had to leave you behind So why do I feel so sad If it couldn't be that bad Tell me why By now I should know That in time things would change So it shouldn't be so bad So why do I feel so sad -->Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad<-- |