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Sunday, May 29 In this realm of hopes and wants, I will strive to maintain my faith, belief and trust. People are flawed, I have to work with that knowledge. Dancing shadows in the dark Elicit awe in pretty movement Pressed forward in curiosity Reasoning in blatant logic Examples in painful faux pas Searching in endless time Salivating in anticipation Incomplete in your absence Overly submerged in water Nearly almost dead in drowning "In the night in my dreams I'm in love with you, Cos you talk to me like lovers do ... " -->The Real McCoy - Another Night<--
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Wednesday, May 25 Is it the cold, dark, stormy weather? Is it the pre-menstrual syndrome? Why do I feel so sad? Why do I cry? All these bloody questions. I feel so inadequate, constantly unable to offer satisfying answers to my self-conjured questions. I am a cynic. I am full of it. Cynicism, that is. Somebody please get rid of it ... not all though. I would need some, to ensure my survival. Nobody survives without a small amount of cynicism. We can't weigh decisions without it and we won't make sound conclusions with it either. Too much is no good, too less is no good. I want to have the right measurement of cynicism as an ingredient among many others, to make myself an ideal person. They say experiences make one stronger. I think mine have made me heartless. They have numbed me to other humans' emotions. When they are hurting, I am absolutely incredulous at their lack of control over their sadness. Seeing them with heartaches, I don't believe it cannot be conquered. But when the pain appears in my very being ... it becomes a whole different story. Why is that so? Why do I even have such double standards of self and others? I am no better than the rest out there in this harsh world, their pain is very much as real as mine. How can I scorn them and their pain, when I embrace mine with fully outstretched arms. And how I brush away others' pain, and how I always repeatedly drill it into their heads how they're strong ... they'll get over it ... it's not the end of everything etc etc, I wish I could hammer those inside my thick skull as well. I've always thought of the mind as a powerful tool, and it's just a matter of whether one knows how to rein proper control of it. And once that is mastered, one can overcome anything physical and/or emotional. However, I watched something yesterday, and in that particular moving emotional scene, the man said this in a very evocative tone, "The heart is stronger than the mind". "My heart can't carry much more it's really really aching and sore, My heart don't care anymore I really can't bear more ... " -->The Cardigans - Couldn't Care Less<-- (And I leave you with a song Lana sent, that never fails to make me cry.)
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Sunday, May 22 I wanted the Puma jacket AND the Puma shoes. Decided to get the jacket first, then the shoes tomorrow. Realised my IC is gone, so that's 300 bucks for a replacement ... which means I have to bid the nice Puma shoes adieu. We can never get the best of both worlds, get the 2 things we want, have our cake and eat it. Never. It's always one, or the other. Now days later, still the same many cognitions and emotions, and still the inability to voice them out. Perhaps now on top of it all, heartache seems to be peeking from behind the cognitive and affective clouds. Shakespeare was so right when he wrote in Othello that "jealousy doth mock the meat it feeds on". Can it be controlled the way May told me it could be? But my mind is not strong enough, and neither is my weak spirit. It's exactly how you thought you had made a one-step progress one day, and realise the very next day that you're now 3 steps behind. I just wish the realisation would hit, like the rays of light that beam towards us in the mornings. Is it so hard to be happy, that the Dalai Lama has to write the Art of Happiness? Why doesn't someone eminent write abt the Art of Unhappiness? The Art of Depression? That is because innately, we all are suckers for pain; masochists we be. Subtle and slight, but surely. Because if we want to be happy, we will make sure we can be happy, we will find ways and means to ensure our cheeriness. If we want it bad enough, we will make it happen. One thing I find that is most within our locus of control - our own happiness. Everything is a result of personal choice. We're unhappy because we choose to be so, we choose not to do anything to alleviate it, or we might choose to do something ... but fall wayward while doing so with our weak wills and itchy backsides. Do what we say we would, the actions are what put weight to our words, else everything becomes weightless like mere wisps of smoke. And after typing all that shit, I still have no clue to what I want. And without knowing what I want, no course of action can be planned. Presages call out repeatedly, Ignorance and despondence. Run amok now with the body, But heart be true with confidence. So I plead, keep to your promise, To be my rara avis. "Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart, I love you too much to make you stay, baby fly away ... " -->Corrinne May - Fly Away<--
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Monday, May 16 I have been staring at the 'new post' page at blogger.com for 12 mins, hands and fingers all poised to embark on their typing journey tonight. Only to realise that the fingers don't know what keys to hit ... I wonder if there'll be some problem publishing my post at the end of it all, because I simply took a leap year writing this entry. Many cognitions racing around in my head - high population density and in danger of overcrowding; but I just can't seem to be able to grab hold of any long enough to write them down. They are like characters without names, people without faces, love with no place to belong ... Maybe these thoughts of mine will remain to be voices in silence. It's been 2hrs since that first paragraph, gee. And now, I am just way too tired, to sit down with my fingers readily positioned on the keyboard while I struggle to contain my thoughts. I assure you, I will write again. Soon. "There's something about the way you looked at me, Made me think for a moment that maybe we were meant to be ..." -->Michelle Branch - Desperately<--
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Friday, May 6 So I've broken free of the reins of academics. Well, till the 10th of August that is. I really want to enjoy my free time, having some me-time. But I just can't do it, with my bloody neighbour having renovations, that will tentatively end on the 15th. Of JULY. *Curses and swears* With so much free time on my hands, and so little money to spend, what should I do. I wanna take a walk on a rainbow, and find my pot of gold at the other end, then I can bid my stingy self adieu. I want to see a rainbow. Perhaps it'd remind me that things aren't so bad, that there's something good after all, in the midst of this overcast weather. I rely on my mind to occupy myself, it really is a hazard, having been a Literature student and a current Psychology undergraduate. My mind works in overdrive, I get annoyed with myself sometimes for allowing it to do so. Asking my mind to stop its churning gears is virtually impossible, it parallels that of asking Time to halt. With school out of the way for now, my cognitive capacity has now allowance for other stuff, stuff which I had been pushing to the back of my mind. And now, it's all going to resurface and rush through the floodgates like the waters in a dam. I don't want to think too much, for it all be incessant and unnecessary. I seriously doubt things are within my control. There's always something in the way of everything. Push it aside? Well, we could ... If we tried, if we wanted to. Good luck to all of us then! In our respective 'pushes'. Somehow, I ain't that excited about the Europe trip no more. I seriously would not mind if the plans don't fall through again this year, but everything seems in place this time. Dang it. "You cannot hide the way you feel inside I realise, Your actions speak much louder than words ... " -->Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad<-- |