I wanted the Puma jacket AND the Puma shoes. Decided to get the jacket first, then the shoes tomorrow. Realised my IC is gone, so that's 300 bucks for a replacement ... which means I have to bid the nice Puma shoes adieu. We can never get the best of both worlds, get the 2 things we want, have our cake and eat it. Never. It's always one, or the other.

Now days later, still the same many cognitions and emotions, and still the inability to voice them out. Perhaps now on top of it all, heartache seems to be peeking from behind the cognitive and affective clouds. Shakespeare was so right when he wrote in Othello that "jealousy doth mock the meat it feeds on". Can it be controlled the way May told me it could be? But my mind is not strong enough, and neither is my weak spirit. It's exactly how you thought you had made a one-step progress one day, and realise the very next day that you're now 3 steps behind. I just wish the realisation would hit, like the rays of light that beam towards us in the mornings.

Is it so hard to be happy, that the Dalai Lama has to write the Art of Happiness? Why doesn't someone eminent write abt the Art of Unhappiness? The Art of Depression? That is because innately, we all are suckers for pain; masochists we be. Subtle and slight, but surely. Because if we want to be happy, we will make sure we can be happy, we will find ways and means to ensure our cheeriness. If we want it bad enough, we will make it happen. One thing I find that is most within our locus of control - our own happiness. Everything is a result of personal choice. We're unhappy because we choose to be so, we choose not to do anything to alleviate it, or we might choose to do something ... but fall wayward while doing so with our weak wills and itchy backsides. Do what we say we would, the actions are what put weight to our words, else everything becomes weightless like mere wisps of smoke.

And after typing all that shit, I still have no clue to what I want. And without knowing what I want, no course of action can be planned.

Presages call out repeatedly,
Ignorance and despondence.
Run amok now with the body,
But heart be true with confidence.
So I plead, keep to your promise,
To be my rara avis.

"Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart,
I love you too much to make you stay, baby fly away ... "

-->Corrinne May - Fly Away<--

|