*Warning*

Many thoughts bustling around in my little brain, so I s'ppose this post will be very much disjointed.

I reckon I'm the one person who lacks the most motivation with regards to academia. Nobody I know, and I mean NO ONE within my circle of friends comes close to being that nonchalant about school like me. I can be seen as the epitome of a slacker, it's true. It's a wonder, no, it's a miracle how I managed to pull through the major exams in my life. And now, down to my final year in varsity, I am still the same old me. A leopard doesn't change its spots, does it? Why do I lack the much needed motivation? For the O'levels - I just wanted to get into a JC; for the A'levels - I just wanted to get into NUS; and now - I just want to graduate. Maybe the motivation to be so unmotivated is too intense to be overcome at all.

You know how we take to heart what the ones whom we love dearly say about/to us? How those things uttered by the ones so dear to us mean so much, especially negative things? I want to undo that. I don't want to let all that affect me, but it is seemingly impossible. Thinking about those words and phrases lashed out at me even in times of anger (everyone knows people say the stupidest things when they're furious), creates an onset of melancholia. And if it goes deeper than that, it morphs into a sweeping wave of slight depression. These attacks at my individual anatomy should not even be give two hoots about. But why do they affect me so? Because what is thought of you by people you love and care about matter tremendously. I just wish it worked the same way with positive feedback. Bizarre how I (or maybe, you too) shrug away the nice things mentioned, but hang on so tightly to the bad things. Totally focusing on the wrong end of the spectrum. We should not allow ourselves to be victims to what other people think or say of us. And I will strive to live by that. I like this transition of now knowing what to filter in and out, somehow makes me feel much happier and more in control. I said in my last post that I have lost myself, and now it's a bid to find myself again.

"I am ready to be healed. I am willing to forgive. All is well." That is what's written on one side of a motivational card I drew from a Tarot Card reading in Brisbane. I think that's very possible, for me to be healed and to forgive. That's the way I am, a very forgiving person. In whichever way I've been hurt, I'm looking forward to the day when I'll be okay once more. Oh forgiveness will come as well, surely, but to forget is another. Everyone always say to "forgive and forget", I think that's virtually improbable. The workings of the memory is such, you can't forget things merely like that, well ... Unless you're really good at repressing bad memories. I have not forgotten the wrongdoings some have done upon me, but I sure as hell have forgiven these people. But hey, please don't take this as a passport to unleash more wrongdoings on me ya?

There are 3 major loves in my life - Books, music and sports. They whisper to me that they've been neglected ... I hope to indulge myself in them once again.

And it's bloody accurate saying that "All good things come to an end". Feel sad, yeah, but for a while ... Mope for that little while then snap out of it. At least there are good memories that won't fail to bring warm, fuzzy feelings to your inner being.

Enough of rambling for tonight.

"Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and I think of you,
Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new.
Flashbacks, warm nights, almost left behind,
Suitcase of memories, time after
Sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead.
You're calling to me, I can't hear what you said

Then you say go slow, I fall behind.
The second hand unwinds

If you're lost you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting,
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey,
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm okay.
Secrets stolen from deep inside,
The drum beats out of time ... "

-->Eva Cassidy - Time After Time (acoustic)<--

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